Nurse Grab the Pads This Man's Insane

Well you see, I have this problem sleeping. Take last nite for instance. I was sitting back watching TV and occasionally nodding off. Deductive reasoning tells you its time to go to bed. So being a man of reason, off went the TV and the lights. Here's where the problem starts. As soon as I close my eyes the voices in my head flip on the lights. It gets so lit up in there that if you sit next to me you can read a book by the light that pours out of my ears. That alone is enough to see a shrink over. I remember my old friend Sophie always telling me I think too much. I used to tell her theres no such thing. Now I know that theres no such thing as no such thing. Here's where it takes a turn for the worse. Last nite I was laying there thinking about, you're really not going to believe this, Martha Stewart.

Now I can't say that I've ever seen Marthas show, I lean a little more towards the Everyday Italian. I don't have any new recipes but Giada does keep my sauces simmering. Plus she reminds me of some one I used to know. Maybe its the mystique of her felonious past that intrigues me, but I think we'd make a great couple, for a reality show that is. It would be called The Really Odd Couple. The two of us live in the same house, she tries to domesticate the Free, and I try to free the wild Martha. One day I go to her quilting club, the next we go drinking. We spend another day carving sea shells out of a bar of Dial, or making doilies out of toilet paper, the next we go visit Charlie Manson. Then at the end of the series, right when she has me trained to put my beer glasses in the dishwasher instead of smashing them on the floor, we take a road trip, Free style. We pick a brew pub at least 1000 miles away and hitch there. No five star hotels, room service, or even mints on the pillows.

After all is said and done, whoever has made the biggest influence on the other is rewarded. If I've made an impact on her I get to roll in the pasta sauce with Giada. If Martha cleans up my act I can no longer send her TV show ideas. Tho during the course of the show I will pitch my idea for a new cable channel, FreeNG TV. All Giada, all day, all nite.