Nurse Grab the Pads This Man's Insane

Well you see, I have this problem sleeping. Take last nite for instance. I was sitting back watching TV and occasionally nodding off. Deductive reasoning tells you its time to go to bed. So being a man of reason, off went the TV and the lights. Here's where the problem starts. As soon as I close my eyes the voices in my head flip on the lights. It gets so lit up in there that if you sit next to me you can read a book by the light that pours out of my ears. That alone is enough to see a shrink over. I remember my old friend Sophie always telling me I think too much. I used to tell her theres no such thing. Now I know that theres no such thing as no such thing. Here's where it takes a turn for the worse. Last nite I was laying there thinking about, you're really not going to believe this, Martha Stewart.

Now I can't say that I've ever seen Marthas show, I lean a little more towards the Everyday Italian. I don't have any new recipes but Giada does keep my sauces simmering. Plus she reminds me of some one I used to know. Maybe its the mystique of her felonious past that intrigues me, but I think we'd make a great couple, for a reality show that is. It would be called The Really Odd Couple. The two of us live in the same house, she tries to domesticate the Free, and I try to free the wild Martha. One day I go to her quilting club, the next we go drinking. We spend another day carving sea shells out of a bar of Dial, or making doilies out of toilet paper, the next we go visit Charlie Manson. Then at the end of the series, right when she has me trained to put my beer glasses in the dishwasher instead of smashing them on the floor, we take a road trip, Free style. We pick a brew pub at least 1000 miles away and hitch there. No five star hotels, room service, or even mints on the pillows.

After all is said and done, whoever has made the biggest influence on the other is rewarded. If I've made an impact on her I get to roll in the pasta sauce with Giada. If Martha cleans up my act I can no longer send her TV show ideas. Tho during the course of the show I will pitch my idea for a new cable channel, FreeNG TV. All Giada, all day, all nite.

Bare Trees

To many winter is a bit of a downer, yet it does offer a lot of pick me ups. A snow storm, or even flurries for that matter, makes for good beer drinking weather. One thing that is often overlooked is the bare trees. I found they joy they can offer while living out in New Hampshire. I was working for/with Ralph (RJ) Hedglin, the man behind Masterpiece Tile. Maybe it is better said, the man who is Masterpiece Tile. He was one of the best, if not the best, tile installers in New England. Not only was his work meticulous, but it was also done very expediently. I'm not really sure why he asked me to work with him, I think it was more for entertainment purposes rather than practicality. (I actually had a place in OR say that they were hiring me just for entertainment purposes. )

We worked in N.H. and Massachusetts, which during the winter can be pretty dismal. He would pick me up or I would meet him at his house and we'd head out to the job site...after breakfast.
So one morning we're rolling down the highway on a cold but sunny morning. The side of the road was lined with bare trees with the rising sun shining thru them. As we drove along I looked in the direction of the trees and closed my eyes. At first there were a few chuckles. Then there was laughter followed by hoots and hollers as my head filled with strobes and expanded to the size of his car. Cant really recall what his reaction was but I'm sure it was a kodak moment.

The next time you find yourself going down a bare tree lined road during the sunrise or sunset, look at the trees and close your eyes. You wont regret it... unless you're driving.

Playing Opossum

In a forgotten time, in a land far far away, there was a circle of friends, Albert, Barry, Dale, and The Wog. Now Barry, Albert, and Dale had jobs. The Wog did not, but he had a car. So in the a.m. The Wog would drop off Albert and Dale at work and then go spend the day at the beach. At about 3:00 he would head back to the valley and hit the grocery stores in the Sherman Oaks/Encino/Studio City area and pick up some steaks or sea food for dinner. You may be wondering how some one who didn't work could afford steak and sea food. As The Wog would say "nobody thinks that a man in a suit has four halibut fillets stuck in the back of his pants ", and apparently he was right. Every one is always suspicious of the guy in the tattered jeans with the backpack. At the end of the day The Wog would pick up Albert and Dale and they would head to Barry's for dinner and a daily dose of narcotics.

Eating out on the patio various food scraps would find their way into the garden.One night Barry was awoken by some noise, and when he looked down the hallway he saw the two green eyes close to floor level looking back at him. It seems as tho a opossum that was accustomed to finding food scraps in the garden made it into his house. So we, or I guess I should say they, set up a live trap and wound up catching three opossum. As people under the influence often think, they wondered how these animals would act under the spell of heroin and other pharmaceuticals. Now before you go getting all peta, take a bite of your tofu burger and read on. So over the course of a few days these "pets" were given demerol, xanax, perkaset, and the occasional blast of heroin. Now they were taken care of. They also had steak and potato's for dinner. But these guys were just as mellow and happy as can be. They would cling to the side of the cage with these odd little smiles on their faces.

The weekend rolled around and it was time to set them free. So they grabbed the cage and some dope and were bound for Placerita canyon, just north of L.A. They hiked to a good location up the river bed and set the three little opossum on their way. Of course at that time the conversation went on to how these opossum would relate with the others. Would the others notice a difference? Did they talk slow, and use strange words? Would their three tell the others of their far out experience? Do animals from the south and new england states talk with funny accents?

If only all these freakin animal whisperers were around back then. Would they realize that the opossum was calling them square daddio?

I'LL HAVE THE MANSON BURGER WITH A SIDE OF SHARON TATER TOTS

Have you ever seen some one, maybe a few times, and thought "who does this person look like"?
Well it happened to me this past summer. I had been going to the Portneuf Valley Brewery for a month or so, and it finally hit me. "Hey Megan, has anyone ever told you that you look like Sharon Tate?" ( You should see her with her hair down, she's a dead ringer.) Its actually quite a compliment, but when its coming from a guy wearing a Charlie Manson t-shirt I can see how it might be a little creepy. It weirder her out even more when she learned that Sharon was killed when she was 26. You guessed it, Megan had recently turned 26.

She could use her looks to make some extra money. Get your mind out of the gutter. Every August 8th El Coyote Cafe at 7312 Beverly Blvd in Hollywood is packed with people commemorating Sharon Tates personal last supper. 5, 10 dollars a pop to have your picture taken in front of the cafe with Sharon Tate! I don't think they have the Manson burger on the menu there, but if you're in Flagstaff hit the brewery. Some one there may remember it. Its a half pound burger with mozzarella , roasted garlic cloves, and plenty of marinara sauce.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not making light of these brutal murders. The whole Manson scene is just very intriguing. Was he responsible for the murders? Indirectly yes. It is strange though that his story is the only one that hasn't changed over the years. Susan Atkins? You cant believe a word that comes out of her mouth. The stories of most of the others have changed to mitigate their involvement. Bobby Beausoleil is the only one that has taken full responsibility for his actions. The truth may never be known. Was Charlie a scapegoat? I know he's not an innocent man, but is he guilty of what he was convicted of? Either way it is a fascinating story.

There are many good books, and bad ones, on the subject. Personally I suggest "The Garbage People"," The Family"," Witness to Evil", and of course "Helter Skelter". The two I suggest you skip are "Manson in His own words" ( even Chuck says its 95% roop scoop poop) and "Trial by Your Peers". "The Manson File" by Nikolas Schreck has good Manson info, but not much on the Family and actual crimes. Some good websites are, mansonfamilytoday.info, mansondirect.com, and beausoleil.net.

PS If you see Megan don't call her Sharon. Talk about a case of the willies.

It was like a cartoon

It actually has been a while since I've gone out of my way to piss somebody off. In fact, I really didn't have to go out of my way. It was just another afternoon at Flag brew when in walked the mouth. Every time this guy came in you would hear him talking no matter where you were seated at the bar. He would always go on about how every one thought they were so tough, that is until he pulled out his Smith & Wesson. Well on this fine Friday afternoon it was the same old song and dance. Now tis guy may only be an inch or two taller than me, but he has an easy 75-100 pounds on me. In the midst of his daily diatribe I had the over whelming urge to butt in. I looked down the bar and said "people should call you Flo, because you're fat, loud, and obnoxious". It really was like a cartoon, the face went red, smoke was shooting out of the ears, and if you listened real close you could hear the whistles going off in his head. He said to the bartender "I should take him outside and kick his ass". Hey, if you want me to smile for the camera just ask me to say cheese. You don't have to try saying funny things.

I finished my beer and went out and waited for my cab. I guess he forgot his Smith & Wesson that day.

Who would have thought

You know, a lot of people out there think that I am a callous bastard. Don't care about others feelings, or like to piss people off just for kicks. You may be 99% right. My closest friends however, know that I am actually a sensitive guy that has no problem shedding a tear in public, or holding on to momentos that to others would seem easily discardable. In my many moves I have forsaken many things, some worth a lot of money. Still there are some things that are priceless, irreplaceable. The drawing above is one.

It was drawn by Julia Starr back in 2000. She must have been three years old, give or take a few months. I just hope that as she has grown up she has been able to compensate for her fathers mental, well how do I put this politely, her fathers. I guess I cant. OHHHHHHHHHHH it was bad. How was I to keep this secret from his family. I couldn't, so I moved to New Mexico. In all actuality, John and his wife Pam raised six great kids. I am assuming. After all, its been a while. John was the inspiration for my business name. I'm not sure what the conversation was , but he looked at me and said "you're not one shy of a six pack, you're fiveshy". I doubt he even remembers it (glue sniffer) but it has obviosuly stuck with me and become more apparent. It was great hanging out at the house and having the kids want to bring the next Bigfoot. The funniest time was when Hayden knocked his younger bothers knees together. My siblings will remember this. Dad slamming our knees together. Seems inoquous , but ask Hayden and Langston.

I guess I have reached a pinnacle in no pointness. I've always been told find what you're good at and stick with it.

NO SENSE MAKES SENSE, irony in a bottle/body

I was giving one of my regulars a ride last nite, and six or seven weeks after the fact he asks me how my trip to OR was, and if I had gotten to see that girl I mentioned. "Which one?" I asked. He said "I didn't know there was more than one". I replied "yeah, but they're all in the same body". Now I wont get into the details of what happened, but I told him that Friday nite was the best time a person could ask for, and 48 hours later was the worst.

Now the girl I saw was the one refered to earlier as the cats pajamas. I still don't know where I got that saying, but to use another one, that's neither here nor there. (side thought. in Japanese here is soko, and there is asoko. the reason I mention that is that here is in there, and soko is in asoko.) She is also known as Scarlet, taken from the Dead song Scarlet Begonias, Alice, from the Little Feat song, Willin', and a few other choice names. Now, to say shes pretty would be a bit of an understatement, and also has a great body. She is smart(?), talented, fun, creative, and just a pleasure to be with. She's also off her rocker. I'm not saying that I'm a paradigm of mental wellness, but man! She reminds me of David Brombergs version of "Bullfrog Blues" when hes talking about dating a girl with different colored eyes. One is red and the other green, when she winks shes saying stop go stop go. But you know what, for some reason you've just got to love her. I just cant seem to drink her off my mind. And God knows I've tried.

I could go on for days about Hazel, but I'll spare you the agony.

Oh yeah, If You See Her Say Hello