MY FIRST FOUR BI-WEEKLY REHAB BEERS

As you can see it is a great beginning. Stones Old Guardian barley wine. Gulden Draak from Van Steenberge in Belgium. And a couple ales from two of the seven Trappist breweries. Westmalles dubbel, and one of the worlds greatest beers, Rochefort 10. Being the fist purchased they will be the last drank, dranken, drunk, whatever the case may be. No matter how much budwieser tries to slam freshness and born on dating down your throat, truely great beers, the beers of kings (work on that one Miller) age even better than Dick Clark. Can't wait.

PIG CIRCUS PART IV, jumping thru hoops on a short leash

After leaving the court house I was following my court ordered directions to go to a company a block up the road (talk about dirty bed fellows) to get the information I need as to which flaming hoops to jump thru. A week later and I receive a letter in the mail stating that I should mail the $150.00 and then a phone interview would be scheduled. During this 35 minute inquisition my drug and alcohol history was examined, and at the end of the assessment the following summation is what I heard; Its actually a good thing that this happened to you. Your next step was to become an alcoholic. In my head I was thinking "you bloody freakin gash! I had quit using illegal drugs. I have stopped drinking hard liquor. My beer intake has been reduced and you say there is a definite pattern here. One that shows that I was soon to become an alcoholic?" She then gave me the names and numbers of agencies in WA that comply with the OR program. So I set up an intake interview for a lowly sum of $75.00 only to be asked the same questions and be told that I have an alcohol abuse disorder. So now I have been enrolled in an alcohol diversion program.

For the next six months I am required to attend weekly "treatments', ATTEND AA meetings once a week. Submit a urine sample each month for drug and alcohol screening, attend a victims panel, get a TB test (?) and go to an all day alcohol education class (maybe they think I want to be a bartender) and jump any time they say jump. All of this for the combined total of $999.00. Add the $225.00 and this stage of the circus comes to $1224.00. Plus there is the time that I will never get back.

Now, I had told my lawyer that I just wanted to plead guilty and get this over with. Cost wise, the fines would have been equal and possibly less if they gave me the minimum $1000.00. Time wise, for a first offense it would most likely have been two weeks (the way my job has been going two weeks in jail would be a nice get away), now I have six months on a short leash. The benefit is instead of a one year suspension I only have 90 days, but that is in OR. I still have my driving privileges in WA. Also, my insurance company wont find out.

At this point, and also at court, you have little option as to what road to take. If you say you don't want to do the diversion program, or you drop out of it, the court takes it as a slap in the face. They know what is best for you and if you don't follow your road will only be rougher. (Sounds like our federal govt/current administration doesn't it?) So until the end of February I will be living life high and dry. I do have a plan to get me thru this, part of which will be buying four beers every other Friday and squirreling them away until I'm done with the program. The other part is an ancient Chinese secret.

So here is my refrigerator as of today. Yes there is beer in there. Three bottle left over from three weeks ago. (If only I could control my drinking!) We'll see if its still there six months from now.

My advice to anyone who gets pulled over is LIE. The cops do, and they are accustomed to it. If you say two beers they assume six. Four beers, eight... Tell the court you are not eligible for the diversion program due to a prior that has dropped off your record. I'm not going to say don't drink and drive, but if you're drunk don't drive. There is a difference. Never trust a cop, especially a young one. And lastly, eat bacon, kill a pig. Got to go now. Big Brother is watching me.

PIG CIRCUS PART III Judgement Day

I cant say it was the first time I was in a court room but I sure as funky chicken hope it will be the last. I kind of knew what to expect, but then again the justice system is fickle and misguided so all was up in the air. I met with my attorney and went over some paper work, including the police report. My lawyer looked out of the corners of her eyes at me as I sat there reading the PIGment on the paper. About the only thing that wasn't distorted was the loss of balance at 22 mississippi. Other than that I was sloshing about and couldn't even stand up without the aid of my van. Yet still I stood on one foot for 22 seconds?!? After some initial here, sign and date there it was time for the hearing.

The bailiff instructed us to rise for the entrance of judge wapner, why I'm not sure. A few cases were called then my name and that of the one representing me. We walk to the front and Lance Ito swears me in. It has changed from what we have all seen on TV. No bible, just raise your hand and swear to tell the truth. Fortunately there was no SO help me God part. Reason #1 being that we have different gods, and the bible refers to Satan as the god of this system of things. THIS SYSTEM. The very one that is doing the hand washing above board after giving hand jobs for the highest bidder under the table. Reason #2, with as much anger and disgust as I had/have inside of me for this system I would probably have gone all Peter Tosh on the court. Those of you who know know what I mean. I had previously told my attorney that I just wanted to plead guilty and get it over with. However, when she attended my arraignment it was suggested that I could qualify for a diversion program. So at this time judge Keene, or was it Older, ask me questions about my record, on which there is nothing. (yet in his hands he holds a copy of my FBI file. Yes even if you have a clean record if you have ever been arrested for a felony, even if the charges were dropped, the charge sticks with you forever just to bias the justice system. It was just another concoction to pads the arrest stats of the LAPigD.) So after informing me that I must plead guilty and follow the rules of the program for a year, he admonished me to keep on the straight and narrow (thought I was) and let me know how fortunate I was to have such a great opportunity. So I walk out a...free...man. No jail time as long as I get with the program and stick with it. Oh yeah, and no fines either , altho at this point I am already $2108.00 in the hole with only half of that lwayers fees. Sounds like a good deal doesn't it? Just wait for Pig Circus part IV, flaming hoops before you answer that.

PIG CIRCUS PART II

So on this the eve of the 40th anniversary of the killings at the Polanski residence I must suggest a book entitled "Cusifixtion, the Railroading of Charles Manson". Now I'm not saying that his hands were clean, but neither were they as bloody as the DA reported. Even to this day he still insist that Helter Skelter was the motive despite the fact that Doris Tate, the mother of Sharon, and Susan Atkins, one of the killers say that the concocted helter skelter theory was off the mark. But on to the pig system circus.

Back in may I took a trip to Oregon. I must say that I had a great time hitting different breweries. The last place I hit was the McMinamins in Lincoln City. I strolled in shortly after three, and strolled back out at eight. As always their beers were good. I started with the hefeweizen, then had the copper (eat my lead you dirty coppers) ale. Time then for the fish and chips. For some reason I tend to pair it with an ESB most of the time, and this was no exception. In fact I had two with this meal. For dessert I had the IPA. Again quite tasty. Last on the itinerary was the barley wine. This was by far the best beer of the day. So good that I ordered some garlic bread and one final glass of this sensational ale. If you ever have the chance I suggest, no, I insist that you have at least one. Altho it was early I thought it best to go back to the van and call it a nite.


I appears as tho it was too early and of course I could not fall asleep. After tossing and turning for half an hour I decided I would head to Salem about ninety miles away. It was a nice mellow drive thru the country. I got to Salem and decided that in order to avoid the a.m. commuters I would head up the 205 up past the Portland metro area. About thirty minutes later I finally started to get tired. as I came upon an off ramp I saw a McDonalds along with a couple of gas stations. Perfect, I'll crash, have breakfast, top off the tanks and hit the road again. So I made an abrupt exit and headed down the ramp. as I start to go across the street I see some flashing lights come on behind me. Wasn't really sure what I was getting pulled over for but I wasn't too concerned.

License, registration, and proof of insurance please (I doubt he said please)
Here you go
Where are you headed to
I was just going to park in the McDonalds lot and crash for the nite
Have you had anything to drink today?
Yeah, I had a few beers a couple hours ago (by this time it was 10:40 or 20 to 11, 2211, get it?)
At this point I figured he was going to cut me loose, tell me to park across the street and spend the nite at camp Micky Dees.
Would you step out of the vehicle please? (again please...not sure)
I hopped out and stood at the front of my van talking to the cop for a couple minutes.
Paul I'd like to have you step up on the sidewalk and do a couple field sobriety test.
Sure, no problem
Long story short it was the heal toe test. I made it to step eight of nine before I stepped of the line. (Buffalo Springfield FOR WHAT ITS WORTH...step out of line and the man come and take you away). Seemingly dissatisfied with that he told me to put my arms at my side, hold my right foot out (do the hokey pokey and shake it all about) 8 to 10 inches off the ground and count one mississippi, two mississippi, three... so I got to 22 and raised my arms to keep from losing my balance. Oh well, I figure in school I would have gotten a C+ so it was alright. Again we talked for a couple minutes. I not sure if he was trying to make up his mind as to what to do, but eventually he said
Paul at this time I'm going to place you under arrest for driving under the influence of intoxicants.
Before he had his cuffs of his belt I was turned around with hands behind my back. I was probably the most cordial and cooperative bust this guy ever had. At this point I just figured this was a big hassle and once they took me in for a breathalyzer I would be released. Oh yeah, the reason I was pulled over was for crossing into the emergency lane when I made my exit.

So at the station came all the procedures. The cop commented that five minutes before my shift was to end I had to get a DUI. Without any sarcasm I said that I was sorry to have ruined his nite. when the time came to take the breath test I started to get a little suspect of the cops. I requested a call to a lawyer. Funny how attitudes change when you mention lawyer. I managed to get a hold of one and he said just take the test. You will have your licence suspended either way. So I did, and as I sat there I saw the numbers 000 come up. I thought See, time to cut me loose. Some how I was wrong and the print out said that I blew a .15. This was at 11:50, almost three hours finishing my last beer!


Now to put things in perspective 150 pounds, 7 drinks over five hours. according to www.moderation.org that would have put me at .09. As to whether or not that factors in eating and drinking water I don't know. Now if you add two and a half hours to that I would have been well below .08.(their charts only go to six hours) Even just that half hour that I tried to sleep would have put me under the legal limit. Now one may say that regardless of my opinion I still failed the field test. Sure I did. With a spot light, flashing lights, several cops and onlookers watching nerves can get the better of you. Even professional athletes choke. Now lets look at the performance of the pig that was supposedly sober. On one ticket that he fills out multiple times a day he wrote down the wrong date twice, and put down the color of my hair as brown even tho both on my license and head it is blond. Then while booking me and asking the any tattoos...piercings question, he then looked me in the face and asked me if I had any visible scars!
I just pointed.

Any hoo, years ago they would let a person go when a sober ride was found, but it seems as tho too many people headed straight to the hospital to have unbiased blood or urine test take only to have contradictory results. Also I have heard of several instances where the calibration of the breathalyzer was challenged and the results were thrown out due to faulty readings. If this hadn't happened 250 miles from home things would have been a lot easier to organize, but at that time my main concern was getting my van out of impound and heading home

For the last fifteen plus years I have been playing it straight, by the book as close as some one like me can. Yeah I've had my moment of mischief, but all in all made great changes. I had even gotten to the point of, maybe not respecting but possibly empathizing with the cops. Never again. Its back to my rules. I won't be dishonest or disrespectful, but cooperation and politeness are gone. Empathy?! Forget you. Hatred and disdain. I got what I didn't ask for, they will get whats theirs.

Maybe this could all be solved with a beer summit.

Stay tuned for Pig Circus Part III

PIG CIRCUS PART I

Altho I have never gone to rehab I do know that there is an admittance interview in which they try to assess your level of dependency. You will be asked questions such as "when did you start drinking/using? have you ever missed work due to your usage? do you drink/use to relax...socialize...escape...deal with problems...as an attempt to solve problems...do you tend to get angry or argumentative?" and other leading questions. Regardless as to your answers they will say that you are in desperate need of counseling.

So with that in mind I would like to point out that a couple weeks ago your president got in trouble for making a racist statement about a Masshole cop. Of course he was speaking without a teleprompter. Possibly there were other factors at hand that contibuted to his lack of self control. Then in an effort to get himself out of the jam that he put himself in he decided to turn to alcohol and have a "beer summit". Perhaps it is time for this troubled man to seek help.