truth IS stranger than fiction

This girl at work had her wisdom teeth removed a couple weeks ago and everything appeared to be fine, that is until she felt some discomfort and weird sensations by one of her sockets. Not being a doctor but having played one on tv, I offered to look into her mouth. My first suggestion was that she go rinse because she had a piece of spinach stuck to her gum. She came back and it was still there. Strange! Then I looked down at the side of her gum and noticed two little pinkish white things that looked like stitches poking out. She told me that on her follow up visit she had had any remaining stitches removed. I was stumped...but only for a while.

I remembered that she had eaten some strawberries a couple nites earlier. It hit me. She had a seed fall into her socket, get covered over by her gum, and sprout. "Impossible" she said. "Well, you can either call your doctor, or wait and find out that I'm right."

So her is what the doctor had to say; It is highly probable that you do have a plant growing in your gum. After all, all the elements that make up a human body can be found in the earth. In addition to that, a body only needs 15 minutes of sunlite to provide its daily need of vitamin D, anything more than that could be used in the photosynthesis process. We can either go back in to uproot the plant, or try swabbing it with weed-be-gone!

Weed-be-gone, is he nuts? At this point I have convinced her to let nature take its course. Most likely it would end up as a pygmy strawberry plant anyway. Also, I suggested she could sell her story to the Enquirer. The truth is, I said let it grow for selfish reasons. Who doesn't want a fresh strawberry every now and then? Plus, throw her a banana, some milk and ice cubes, and she can dispense a smoothie. What I am looking forward to the most is when she has a long row of strawberry plants curling around her body. I am already searching for a giant clam shell so as to take a Botticelli-esque Birth of Venus photo, plants snaking around to cover her strawberry patch. Then everything will be smooth like a rhapsody, when I take my master piece. Well, gotta go, gotta get to my hotel room where I got me a date with Botticelli niece.

Now that I think of it, it would be like having a life size Pez dispenser.

"Chuck, there's an alligator"

Well I checked out Bobs website only to find out that Bobfest is sold out. He is only doing six shows, two in ME, two in NB, and to in NL. I was thinking that maybe I could get my tickets Hanah Montana style i.e. my parents do some wacky stunt to win them. I just can't picture them diving into a pool of fish eyeballs, or parachuting into the everglades and having to find their way out. Actually I can, and let me tell you it is pretty funny.

But all is not lost! There is the European tour which has some very interesting stops. A few stops in the Scandinavian countries and one in St Petersburg. Russia would be cool, but all that vodka. don't know if I could resist temptation. (I quite drinking hard liquor about six and a half years ago. Seems as tho I get really mean and/or destructive when I drink it. Yes, this is the kinder, gentler Pauly) Now Austria, thats the place. I could blend right in, except for not speaking German. I guess I will have to learn soon. If I want to get out of this country before it reaches third world status I should know a nations language before moving there.For now tho I guess I am down to the options of moving to Washington, or taking a trip around this country. And then...?

THE POLL

It is kind of like amerika. It looks like there are three choices, but really only two. Move to Washington is one, Bobfest (which is actually in New Foundland not Maine) would just be an extended version of the Tom Thumb Travel Tour

So what would you do?

I could flush the drugs out of my system but not the road. I guess the tar wasn't just heroin.
Still noodle dance...dislocate the knee,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,
I WISH I WAS A HEAD LIGHT ON A NORTH BOUND TRAIN

Biege is Green

I am really getting sick of all this green rubbish people are spewing. It is just another rage, just like obama. ATWA has been around for almost 40 years, (air, trees, water, animals/ all the way alive). Where have you all been? Protesting and whining?! The fact of the matter is that all the recycling and cutting back that we do is of no use if the population keeps growing at the rate it has been. The answer, as Dale Keyes would call them, is "condomes", or any type of birth control. Waste reduction is a good thing, but population thinning would do a whole lot more. Many religions encourage large families and discourage the use of birth control.

Ah forget it. It's too politically incorrect in this politically correct world. Did you ever think that this PC bullshit is what has caused all of this? Or is that too negative of a thought?

Piss off

SEW WHAT

A couple weeks ago I walked into one of the offices at work and noticed that someones dry cleaning had been dropped off. I looked at the tag and discovered that the two pairs of pants belonged to our sales manager. Temptation abounded, and I finally settled on sewing one of his pant legs shut. So I put a few stitches down at the cuff and waited. The following a.m. he came in, picked up his pants and hit the road. My hope was that while he was out of town he would have one leg in the pants, go to put the other in, struggle, hopping about, and finishing with a crashing blow to the head on the dresser leaving him unconscious on the floor. Just a little gift for the house keeping crew. As it turned out, he did end up hopping around, but not falling over. The funniest thing however, is that he couldn't figure out why the cleaners would have done that!

All of this leads me to my sewing machine. Yes, I have one. Never used it and probably never will. I keep planning on selling it, but then I think that some day I will need it. Say for instance if I ever put into production my line of mens neckwear. Even then I would have some factory in China doing the work for me...or would I? What if I were to produce these ties myself after ingesting a few beers? Not only would I have unique designs (some of you already know what they are, but being trade secrets I cannot reveal them to the general public), but different style and cut. Mail one a week to Jay Leno or David Letterman and voila! a new fashion craze.

Who am I kidding? Anyone looking to buy a sewing machine?

A Simple Twist Of Dates

Yes, it is a play on a Bob song, but that has nothing to do with it. I know it is not a stretch, but this is a Charles Manson/Sharon Tate story. Now, before I go on with this I am going to have to ask Pink Lloyd not to reveal this to the person involved. This is just too insane.

Three or four months ago I had a post titled..."I'll have the Manson burger..." and introduced you all to Meagan, Megoo, Miss Tate. Well last summer I learned that she was 26, the same age that Sharon Tate was when she was killed. Ol' Pink said "hey man, it freaks her out". Well tonite she tells me that she will be getting married and that the wedding will be in August. Either the 8th, 9th, or 10th! Check your history books or copies of Helter Skelter.


Funny? In my mind, absolutely hilarious.

Self Cleaning Oven My Ass

Modern technology has brought us many great ideas. I am not sure what they are, but I am sure that they are out there. The computer is pretty wild, until it is under your hood. HD TV, yet the words don't match the mouth. I'm just happy to have a dvd player and a Drive By Truckers dvd.

One thing that came out 25 -30 years ago was the self cleaning oven. Talk about "no such thing as no such thing". I have called the Maytag Man, the Amana Armada, the General Electric electricians, and the Easy Bake boys. Its a no win situation. I went to cook some fish today, and when I went to preheat my oven this is what I found.

I thought all of this was to have been discarded!
Boy was I wrong!
But not as wrong as an Obama backer

6 degrees of John Mayall

So I'm sitting here watching a dvd of Kieth Richards and the Xpensive Winos that was filmed at the Palladium in Hollywood and I started thinking. I know, I promised my therapist I would no longer do that, but honey honey honey, we're talkin' Kieth. Axshly, I was thinkin' back to a time when Jack Hyman and I went to see Johnny Winter and John Mayall at the Palace. If my memory servers me well its at the corner of Hollywood and Vine where William Frawley, Fred, of I Love Lucy, had a heart attack and died.

Anyblues, from 6 degrees of Bacon we go to 6 degrees of Mayall, and there by 5 degrees of Free.
The first time I saw John Mayall he stepped on my hand. Left hand to be precise. That was '83. I saw him a few times since, but in 95 I got to see him back stage in Jacksonville OR. We had a chat and a chuckle. First degree.

Second degree: Mick Taylor, Bob Dylan, Eric Clapton, Jack Bruce, Peter Green, John McVie, Mick Fleetwood, John Lee Hooker, Johnny Winter, Aynsley Dunbar....holy freakin edie, the list goes on. You name the "musician" and you can trace it back to The Godfather of the Blues.

Third degree: The Rolling Stones, The Beatless, Fleetwood Mac, Jefferson Starship, Sanatna, Bonnie Raitt, Alicia Keyes(via Dylan)

Man, throw me a name and I'll connect it. With out Mayall we may all be lacking REAL music.

BB King
Albert King
Freddie King
Albert Collins
Buddy Guy
Junior Wells
Jimi Hendrix
Koko Taylor
Etta James.......................................................................................................................................................
Aw, all that dont matter. There are so many that my memory fails me. Check out Dylans "Don't Look Back" movie. You'll see John in the limo with Bob. Then in the film from Bobs next UK tour you'll see Lennon ( a Dylan idolizer) riding in Bobs limo. Talk about branches growing in different directions.

But still Kieth is playing. The man, the guitarist, the non pretender. Thats John between Eric Burdon and Jimi, with Stevie Winwood and another cat I don't recognize. He looks so stinkin familiar.

Stay tuned for more tuned into the blues genes.
SRV and Johnny Winter stories, along with some unrecognized names/artist.

THE DEATH OF A PRINCESS

I've put a lot of miles on via my thumb, and a fair portion of that was going to see Mr. D. Most of the trips were just local jaunts around So. Cal. Regardless of the distance the trips were all memorable. Some more so than others.

A lot of times people remember where they were when some one famous died. I however remember when some one famous died because of where I was. It was a drizzly day at the beginning of August of '97., my dads birthday in fact. Princess Diana had died that day. I was in Manchester NH, and Zimmy was playing up at Loon Mountain. I didn't have a ticket so it was no loss if I didn't go, right? Who wants to stand out in the hard rain that might a fall. 3:00 rolled around and I started to itch. I pulled out my black marks-a-lot and sniffed it a couple times. I could resist no longer. I pulled out the cardboard and away I went.

By 4:00 I was walking up I-93, sign in hand. Bob Dylan on the top, Loon Mountain on the bottom. I don't think it was legal, but if I ever had any doubts about legalities I just said to myself "live free or die" ( for NH that is truly an oxymoron). I must have walked 2-3 miles when a Subaru pulls onto the shoulder.

"Headed to Dylan?" the driver asked.
"Yeah, thanks for stopping."
"Do you have a ticket?"
"No, hoping to get one up there."
"I have an extra."
"I'll tell you what, you give me a ride up, and the ticket, and I'll buy you all the beer you can drink."

We had a deal. As was the case with Bobs shows in the late 90's it was rockin'. Bobby D tearing it up on lead, feet twitching, eyes rolling. A set list from all over the place. But the night came falling and it was time to head back to the zoo. Half way home the guy pulls over. "Hey man, I'm tired. Would you mind driving?" It's a good thing he was sleepy, record time and slowing to 20 for the tolls. So I pull off at the ramp a mile or so from my house, (the red, blue, and black place). I pull over and say "thanks, the on ramp is right across the street."
"No, go ahead. Drive to your house."

Well alright. 170 miles, Dylan ticket, and a good nites sleep, all for the cost of 5 or 6 beers. Once again the thumb gods smiled upon me that night.

One car brings life, another death.

Another Bluesman

I guess it was back in the winter of '91. I was in Milwaukee for my "rehab". I wound up winning some tickets to go see Bryan Lee play at whatever bar it was. I had only heard some of his music on the radio, and didn't know much about him. So the nite of the show rolls around and my brother in law Jim and I find ourselves at the bar ( speaking of bars, check out Bryan Lee on the video bar at the bottom of the page) enjoying a smoking set of the blues. This cat could really tear it up. So after the set I go up to the stage to talk to him. I reach out to shake his hand, and he just turns and walks away. What a ------!

So during the break I'm pissin and moanin to Jim about how rude blah blah blah, and the band starts returning to the stage. The last one on stage is Bryan Lee being lead by his son. Turns out that this Les Paul Picasso is blind. Who would have thought that a musician wearing dark glasses indoors wasn't just trying to look cool? And why is it that his head wasn't bobbing around?

After the show Jim and I had the chance to talk with Bryan and the band. A bunch of down to earth guys that invited us to hang out and party with them. Then the craziest thing happened. To this day I still don't believe it. My brother in law mutters something about work the next day! Jim! What? Were you thinking?

2&2 as opposed to 1&1

To most people two years and two months is a short time to live somewhere. Even for me it seemed as tho, but that was all that Santa Fe needed. The cliche that sums it up is "nice place to visit, wouldn't want to live there". That's the difference between 2&2, and 1&1. I wouldn't recommend a visit to Pocatello to anyone.

So what does Santa Fe have to offer? Despite the monotony of the adobe houses and buildings (yes, everything) it is a pretty town...well parts of it, the north end. With the Sangre De Cristo mountains as a back drop, downtown SF has more art galleries than one can handle. Along with that there are some interesting shops and quality restaurants. There are also plenty of thrift stores if you are looking for hidden treasures or just a Snoopy and Woodstock phone. Here is the shocker. Despite its demographics, SF is a good beer town. With a beer store downtown and at the south end you can get any style from anywhere in the world. You also have the Blue Corn Cafe and Brewery at the south end, and one on the plaza, but mid way between the two is second street.

Every where I go I seek out the local brew pubs, and I must say That Second Street Brewery in Santa Fe is the best that I have found. The aesthetics are not exactly my style, but isn't it all about the beer? What do you like? Scotch ale, ESB, IPA, Belgain, Barley Wine? Freakin Rod Tweet brews it all. And he doesn't just brew it, he BREWS it. I never had a beer there that I didn't like. This place is reason enough to plan a trip to Santa Fe. Plus, their fish and chips are awesome. If you're really lucky you'll be able to catch Josh Martin playing. Not only is he a great Bluegrass player, but he also makes Mandolins.

After tying one on at second street, spend the next a.m. at 10,000 Waves. A Japanese style spa where you can get a massage, relax in the hot tub, and detoxic in the sauna. By noon you're set for the scenic drive up to Taos for a stop at Eskes Brewery. Sit out on the back deck among the swaying pines while sipping on a Bert and Ernie Barley Wine.

So why would I leave all of this?
The answer will be posted soon.

8 weeks and a new name

Yes, just eight more weeks and I will be leaving this town I have come to know by many names, the latest of which is PocOthello. Reason being that after enough time here you will desire to partake of that poison wine. This will be my shortest stay anywhere. Until now Santa Fe was at two years and two months. I will be cutting that in half, just one year and one month.

There are several reasons for such a quick escape. This town being a true RoopScoopTopia with a depressed economy, weak job market, no music scene (good music), and no place to drink beer (good beer). But wait, there's more. The drivers.Oh the drivers! Everyone thinks the worlds worst drivers live in their town. You're right if you live in Podunkatello.

1) On/Off ramps. I drive an old 84 Chevy van, not the quickest, but I still get to freeway speed before I get to the end of the on ramp. Others, 45 mph. At those speeds you won't merge with traffic you will merge with another vehicle. Off ramps a designed to give you time to slow, and come to a stop if necessary, so why do people start breaking while still on the freeway.

2)Right turn on red. It appears that news hasn't reached all pocahellhole residents that you can turn right at a red light. Even at a green light they come to almost a complete stop when making a turn.

3) Speed limits. Most people know of the 10 mph rule, or 5 in town. That holds true here, except that these drivers go 10 UNDER on the freeway, and 5 to 10 UNDER in town. I realize there is no place to hurry off to in town except for the sanctuary of my refrigerator.

4) It seems as tho my van came with an option that isn't available on vehicles sold in this region.
I don't smoke, yet I still know what an ashtray is for. I've never seen so many butts flying out of windows. Doesn't matter if its an old beater, or an earth loving Subaru.

5) Cell Phones. Now wait, yes it happens everywhere. I have this guy from India who stays at the hotel while here on business. It never fails, everytime I drive him somewhere he starts laughing. "No vhere else so meny pepole on phone, and ihn ten minutes you cahn drive cross town." Pandemic?

I have to stop now before I start to get pissed off.